Categories
The Delos Diaries

The Delos Diaries: Part 11 “The Shipwreck”

We’re having a mini lie in on Delos. I don’t know why but I haven’t been sleeping too well. My nights have been filled with unpleasant dreams and I can’t seem to snap out of it. I yawn as I finish my tea and wave Karin and Brian off as they head out in Maggie to explore. Brian’s excited about another adventure and was ready to go first thing. The rest of us are still trying to wake up.

We all get ready whilst we wait for Brian and Karin to return, Alex and Brady deciding to head over to the shipwreck via their paddle boards.

I watch them, a little annoyed at myself that I don’t know how to paddle board yet but unwilling to do it in poop infested waters. I’m looking forward to giving it a go in the future in any case and tell myself I’ll learn it soon enough.

They head out, keen to get a head start whilst Lisa and I board Maggie upon Karin and Brian’s return. The heat is intense- a huge change from the previous night whilst we were entertaining our new friend Reon.

The waves aren’t as boisterous as the previous night, however they’re big enough to force Brian to go faster than normal in the dingy. We skip over foam and stretches of blue, laughter spilling from my throat as I’m unable to keep it in any longer.

Ahead in the distance are the two silhouettes of Brady and Alex and we eventually pull up next to them. The water is teaming with life, seals diving up and down in confusion as they check out the strange humans invading their territory.

I’ve never experienced anything like it. Everywhere we turned there was a splash and a pair of curious dark eyes, staring at us, checking us out in mid dive and snorting bubbles beneath the boat. We went on ahead, the waves getting bigger and decided to explore around the other side of the island.

We could see the shipwreck, surrounded by the colony of seals. There didn’t seem to be a safe place to land Maggie without squashing one of the animals, so we decided to investigate further.

A long stretch of perfect beach welcomed our sight as we turned the corner, a wave hot on our heels.

“Hold on, crew!” Brian shouted, revving Maggie’s engine.

The wave towered behind us and I gripped the safety rope tightly, trusting him completely. The wave came and the dingy rose high and over the treacherous waters, yet another burst of laughter and whooping erupting from my lungs. We continued like that as we surfed the waves and I wished we would never stop.

Eventually came the time to land Maggie. We anchored her out on the shore, but on second thoughts dragged her onto the beach, worried that a wave would come and flip her over.

We knew you couldn’t take the ocean for granted.

We stepped onto the sand, our eyes tracing across the images that we naively hoped we wouldn’t see again.

More skulls.

Bones, rib cages and spines littered the beach as a silent graveyard of death. I know that it’s the power of nature, but a part of me was repulsed and fascinated by it.

I picked up a skull, and lay it flat in my hand.

“To be…or not to be…! That is the question!” I looked up expectantly with a grin, my smile falling almost immediately. My Macbeth impression had gone unheard, drifting off into the wind as the rest of the crew discussed how to better secure Maggie.

Awkwardly standing with a skull in my hand, I sighed and unceremoniously dropped it, muttering that it had been a damn good impersonation.

“No one appreciates Shakespeare anymore…” I mumble.

We walked onwards around the towering cliff face, spotting some animal tracks leading upwards through the rocks.

We followed it, trying to avoid rocks and bones from crumbling beneath our heels and failing miserably.

“This is how you get peasant feet,” Karin said, trying to keep her balance.

I made a sound of agreement, my own already destroyed from our barefoot antics from the past three months. I remembered the time when my feet used to look nice, presentable- appropriate. Now they were bruised, cut, hard and no nail polish in sight. I could probably walk across hot coals and not feel a thing.

I was a long way away from my modern day presentable English self.

I had gone medieval.

It was nice how my way of thinking was beginning to change. There were things that made a hell of a lot of sense on Delos that I knew I would continue doing. I mean, canned chicken made a lot of sense, why shower every day? Did my hair really need washing all the time? Why wouldn’t I bulk buy food? Why would I ever go back and work for someone else? Why wouldn’t I want to wear whatever I wanted all of the time? Why would I feel the pressure of eating things I didn’t really like just to stay skinny? Why is being naked bad? Why wouldn’t I want to carry on travelling? Why would I take chemicals to fix my body when everything I needed came from plants? Why wouldn’t I eat organic food? Why wouldn’t I buy more natural things to put in my body?

I felt like I was just waking up.

So many things came into my mind every day and I felt like each day I was getting closer to being a true form of myself.

We continued to climb, the sun beating down on us, our lungs heaving and livers regretting having the moonshine and wine from the night before.

“Why do we always do something like this at the hottest point of the day?” Karin demanded.

I didn’t have the breath to answer her, seeing Brian happily skip further and further up as the girls stayed together. The fear of finding a pack of hyenas or jackals at the top scorched through my mind.

“If you see one, stay absolutely calm,” Karin said. “And then look for something big for a weapon.”

The idea of fighting a wild animal didn’t appeal to me. Part of me hoped that they would be happy enough with Brian and would be too full to worry about three little women.

Eventually we get to the top of the cliff face.

Brian is grinning from ear to ear, still alive with no hyenas in sight.

“Take a look at this, Lizbef.”

I take the last couple of steps to the top and swear.

“Jesus Christ…”

Below lay a step trail to the beach, perfectly enclosed by cliffs, baring off the rage from the sea. Further up was a bright green pool shimmering beneath the sun and around that was a mass of wriggling brown shapes.

But I looked further ahead and that was when I saw it.

Our shipwreck.

I stared at it, feeling the sun burn my skin and my throat constrict with lack of water. Greedily taking a slug from my bottle, I take in the sight of even more bones as Brian starts to walk down.

The wind hits me, carrying a thick scent of rot, but I continue my descent.

The walk is difficult as I wave my arms in the air with the effort to not slice my feet up even more than they were. Stepping down sideways, I make it half way when Brian shouts up, pointing behind me.

I frown, unable to hear and look up back at Karin and Lisa, further up than me. I see nothing, shrug and continue my walk downwards, eventually getting to Brian.

“Dude, there were two jackals behind you guys!” Brian said excitedly.

My eyes widen. “Whaaa?”

Shocked that they had gotten so close and I hadn’t even seen them, I wrinkled my nose.

“Oh my God…” I gasped. “It stinks!”

I cannot tell you how bad the smell was in that beach enclosure. It has far been the worst smell I have ever witnessed in my life. It was the mixture of rotting meat, ammonia, fish, seal poop and the unmistakable scent of death.

We approached the bright green pool to see it resembled more like a pool of slime. We gave it a wide berth, jumping over even more spines of dead seals, their fur scattered across the ground in torn clumps.

The seals ran away from us immediately despite our slow movements, waddling their huge weight up and down as they shuffled away. We felt really bad about frightening them, but we were desperate to get a closer look at the shipwreck. It loomed over us as a black and orange rusting giant, waves crashing through its starboard side and throughout.

We took pictures, filmed and explored the area, the smell so intense it was making me feel nauseous. Karin climbed a little way back up the cliff just to take a break from it.

I gazed through one of the holes in the portside of the boat, gazing into the intricate metal workings of her belly.

Black, green and grey stared back at me, twisted metal, levers, knobs and switches still wet from the previous wave. The boat was completely snapped in half, the bow about 30 feet away. I peered around the opening of the centre of the boat to be greeted by more waves pounding against the side and rushing within. I jumped back before I got soaked, noticing that there was a five second window between the blast of the ocean to get inside.

It would make a great story… my mind whispered.

“Do you think it’d be cool if I went inside?” I asked him.

He took a long moment to reply, weighing up the odds. “I wouldn’t do it,” he said at last.

I nodded in understanding. It wasn’t safe. That much was true. But it didn’t stop me from going over to Karin and asking exactly the same thing.

“You do what you want,” was her answer with a smile and a laugh. “But don’t take the 4k- take the GoPro.”

My mind was decided. Turning back to the boat, I crept towards the split belly yawning open to the crashing waves. They diminished eventually, five seconds of clear sand freeing the way until the next one came.

I waited, taking a step forwards too close to the portside of the boat. My foot started to sink in the sand immediately. I wrenched my foot away and took a breath, wondering whether I should or not.

The darkness beckoned within, the last wave had crashed and the way was now free. The GoPro shook in my hand as I counted myself in.

1…2…3!

I dived inside, holding my breath as the darkness surrounded me, echoes from the water of the ocean drowning out everything else.

A strange feeling pressed down within my core as I walked around, knowing I didn’t have long left before it started to fill with water and that I would have no choice but to stay within.

My body tensed as the first wave came, washing over my feet, ankles and halfway up my calves.

Think of the story…

My body rushed with adrenaline as I walked around the wreck, only moving when the water had died down around my feet. I didn’t want to risk falling against the boat and making it fall on top of my head.

I stood still, taking in the presence of the boat. I imagined what it would have felt like when it had crashed against the rocks. I imagined what it would feel like to anyone to be on a sinking ship. A panic rose up in me as another wave started to fill inside and I allowed myself to feel the full force of experiencing it from another person’s perspective.

There was a primal urge that was beginning to shriek within me:

“You are not supposed to be here! Get out!”

I was all too happy to oblige, the water rising higher and higher. I waited, forcing myself to be calm and waited for the tide to retreat. As soon as I saw my path was clear, I darted outwards.

The current crashed behind me, the foam licking my heels as I ran.

I had made it.

Euphoria hit me as sunlight hit my eyes as I waved the GoPro around victoriously.

What a story! What an adventure!

We retreated from the island, hot, hungry and maybe a little overwhelmed by everything we had seen. As we got to the top of the cliff again, we saw a jackal down by the shore, investigating Maggie.

We all started to howl as one and the wild animal quickly ran away at the sound of our pack. Laughing, we returned to Maggie to haul her back into the water and to surf the waves back home.

Returning to Delos we found Alex and Brady freshly showered, drinking beers in the hammocks and listening to country music.

Lisa and I showered naked outside, keen to rid ourselves of sand and sweat. It’s our first shower in a week and suddenly we don’t care who sees at all.

The Naked Dune Day was a huge step for me and I didn’t even appreciate how. I continued to lounge and relax in just my undies, feeling a comfort in it around these people. No one cares. Alex is swinging on her hammock in the same fashion, a big smile on her face.

And in this moment we’re happy.

We’re content.

I stare out into the horizon, my heart beating hard in my chest. I’m finding despite my tiredness that I can’t settle. I can’t relax even though that is the epitome of what should be right now. The sun beams down on my skin, my burns and scrapes forgotten. I turn around and around, blinding skies of blue burning in my eyes.

I’m trying to process it. But it overwhelms me.

The crew are spread out on deck, happily swinging their feet to music and sipping on their beers. As soon as I sit down I need to stand again. As soon as I stand I need to walk.

I find a beer in my hand, the music cranked up. Some cowboy singing about being in paradise.

Hey, I know that feeling, buddy, I want to say.

I’m overwhelmed suddenly how I almost missed out on this opportunity. How I almost missed out on this life experience.

There had always been the chance that I wasn’t able to join. It all depended on how well I sailed and if six people didn’t feel like too much.

The magnitude of that stuns me, sobers me and twitches my body into a never-ending set of movements. Words seem too bulky and clumsy to ever explain the magnitude of this experience on my shoulders. So I sit in silence, not knowing what to say except:

“This is it.”

I repeat myself to Alex several times and she nods in a simplistic understanding that says: “no more needs to be said.”

Maybe we’re all feeling it in our own way. Maybe I’m not alone in this sensation of being overwhelmed by the direction my path has suddenly turned. I’m trying really hard to better myself and to grow. The time I’ve spent on here has made me realise that I need a lot of self-healing. And sometimes I don’t know where to start. Sometimes I feel incredibly down- maybe that’s frustration. I’m surrounded by these incredible humans who have achieved so much, who have grown so much and I know I have a lot still to learn.

I want to be a good person.

And I want to be good to myself.

And although we all have our low moments for whatever reasons- (we’re all on our own paths after all) I feel incredible and so very lucky.

It’s like a huge relief or a huge weight being taken off my shoulders. A knowledge that I am living an adventure I can tell when I’m old. But it’s not just that. I’ve had an eternal fear of not living my life. I was so scared that I would end up in an office where I would spend the rest of my days in order to get that mortgage. That I would waste my days with grey skies and concrete walls.

The knowledge that I have escaped that and will never return to it has given me a huge sense of peace. Relief. Gratitude.

I feel saved.

So that is the reason why I am twitching, unable to stand, unable to sit.

That is the reason why I feel overwhelmed.

I have been saved.

I recall the sensation of what it was like stepping inside the ship one more time and smile. I think of the Ghost Town, of Naked Dune Day, of the Penguin Man and of all the other adventures we’ve had together in the past three months.

My smile widens.

What a story to tell.

Categories
The Delos Diaries

The Delos Diaries: Part 10 “Penguin Man”

We leave the Skeleton Coast with a sense of relief. I don’t even look back at the place, knowing that I will never miss that land of bones.

Categories
The Delos Diaries

The Delos Diaries: Part 12 “It’s A New Day.”

The sun is beaming down on me on Delos as I sit with Alex and Brady on the back. I’m feeling very much at peace today, and relieved.

It’s a new day.

“Here you go, mate,” Brady says, clicking another button on his laptop. “There’s some good meditation on your phone now.”

I take my phone gratefully and nod. “Thanks buddy.” I glanced at the paddle board strapped to the side of Delos and tilted my head in thought.

Maybe today is a good day to learn…

I feel like I’ve turned a corner. And it took hitting rock bottom to get to where I am.

But maybe I should explain where this anxiety came from in the first place.

My nightmares had been getting worse. It was making me anxious about sleeping and I was exhausted in the day.

If you were to ask me why I was anxious, I would say that I have no reason.

But maybe it is the aftereffects of the recent things that have happened. Maybe everything had been catching up on me.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

When I came on this journey, there was always the chance that I wasn’t going to be able to join the crew. I came to Cape Town to spend time with the Delos peeps, waiting for them to talk about whether I could come aboard or not.

They went to France for a week and I stayed in a hostel, waiting, hoping, my anxiety growing, my self belief diminishing. I tried to distract myself with some intense partying with some new friends and some amazing nights out in Long Street. It worked for a time. I was to return to Delos when Brady, Karin and Brian came back and would continue to stay there when the next two crew members arrived. One had won a competition and the other was a film maker who was going to help edit and shoot.

I felt like there was no reason really why they should invite me.

I felt like if they did, then it would be out of guilt for getting me to fly over in the first place. It didn’t occur to me that they may want me to come because they actually liked me. For some reason the worst feeling about myself came to the forefront.

So this grew and grew until the day they returned from France.

“So, we’ve talked and we would like you to come to Namibia with us,” Brady said, “But I don’t think we can take you further, mate…”

I nodded, not knowing how I felt. Worried? Relieved? Hopeful? The relief hit me but still I hoped for the opportunity to come to Brazil. Maybe I was selfish. I don’t know. But Mr Brady and I had spoken about it previously, so I couldn’t help but hope. I knew Alex was going all of the way and I desperately wanted to join as well. But I was beginning to feel like a burden and I couldn’t snap out of it.

Time went on and the rest of the crew joined. They had a rightful place to be here. I spent my time trying to be as helpful as possible. I needed to earn my place. I needed to help. But at night time I couldn’t help but retreat to the docks and sadly smoke a cigarette, unable to stop my train of thoughts.

Brady called me into his room one day to talk about Brazil.

“I just wanted to let you know that Lisa is coming Brazil now as well,” he said, sitting cross legged across from me.

I nodded, waiting.

“We need to see how you sail, but there may be a chance you can come too. But there’s six people on this boat now, Elizabeth. So you need to know if it feels too crammed, you’ll be the first to go.”

My stomach twisted in dread, my heart starting to beat erratically.

You’ll be the first to go…

“So there is a chance, but we need to see how you sail. And how we all get along.” He paused. “But I know you’re going to worry about this. I know it’s going to be on your mind. So is it better just to say and plan for you to get off in Namibia?”

I took a breath, telling myself to wait a few seconds before I spoke. “Mate, if that is the cost of having a chance to go to Brazil, then that’s the cost I will pay. If you plan for something, it will happen. I don’t want to plan for Namibia when it’s not where I want to get off. I understand about everything. I do. And I’ll try my best. To be honest- yes, of course I want to go to Brazil. Who wouldn’t? But you do what you’ve got to do.”

“Well, take it that the end is Namibia, ok? But we’ll see how you go.”

I nodded again. I gave him a hug and retreated, trusting in the universe.

I had to go to Brazil.

I had to go to Brazil.

So I decided that I wouldn’t worry. I would be good and trust in the world.

I showered the next day, thinking over and over how little space I could take up. Mr Brady and I shared a room. I decided that I would give him as much space as possible. I would make tea for everyone. I would leave the table if it became too crowded. I would live harmoniously. I wouldn’t bicker. I would take whatever anyone threw at me.

You’ll be the first to go…

I had to go to Brazil.

I would be positive and happy and-

The next day, my friend died.

Things didn’t make sense and everything I had been feeling got dragged back up to the surface. I could not stop crying. Days would pass of me throwing myself into my work, determined not to affect anyone, determined to not take up too much room, too much space. I just wanted to work, contribute the best parts of me and retreat if things felt too crowded.

But now my friend’s death had brought up such raw emotions I didn’t know how to deal with them. I lay in my bunk, the curtain drawn and sobbed into my pillow. I would walk down to the docks and spill my tears into the water. At night I would sit at the back of the boat and let it all out. Because I didn’t want anyone to see. I didn’t want anyone to be affected.

Because you see, I was trying to cause as little impact as possible.

Because I wanted Brazil so much.

I struggled with knowing Alex and Lisa had definitely gotten a place. I felt like I had to fight each day to earn my way on the boat. There was a terrible fear rising up in me, my self worth was crumbling away I couldn’t talk to anyone how I felt.

This was the price you knew you had to pay, I told myself. You knew.

I was afraid if I spoke my thoughts, I would be dropped off in Namibia. So I swallowed down my fears and shoved them further than I ever had before. I didn’t want to speak to anyone about my worries. I didn’t want to give energy to them. I was fearful if I did, it would give them power, and power would make them a reality.

You’ll be the first to go…

And now?

Brian caught me sobbing on the backstep of Delos in Luderitz on the night of my friend’s funeral. I had thought everyone had gone to bed. I had thought I was alone. But arms caught me in a surprise hug and squeezed hard.

I told him everything.

“Of course you’re coming to Brazil,” he said, squeezing me tighter. “Of course you are, Lizbef! We love you!”

Brian is the big brother I never had. I have a deep sense of security when he is around and a deep sense of comfort. I drew strength from him in that moment, needing that shoulder, needing that strength and reassurance.

I needed his words and most of all that big bear hug that came out of nowhere.

And I do feel loved. But the aftereffects of not knowing for the past two months have gotten to me. My friend’s death had gotten to me. My anxiety had risen. And all of a sudden I was back where I had started, afraid of telling people about this dark wrenching feeling in my chest in case they didn’t want me to stay.

I was trying to deal with it as best as I could.

And then the bad dreams started.

I spent four days without any sleep, tossing and turning, nightmares raging my head of constantly being hunted. I had suffered throughout my entire life with nightmares- they’re the price to pay for having an over active imagination. Why do you think I became a writer?

It seems to be my only outlet.

We were on passage when it happened. My watch was coming up in four hours and I was keen to get some good kip.

But I fell into one bad dream after another.

I was dreaming that we were all trapped in a ship with no sails. We rolled, the wood within old and mouldy. There was a storm and we crashed. The thing had been chasing me and I couldn’t run any more. I dreamt that my crew were being dragged into a hole and I into another, my hands clawing at the sand as it poured over my head.

They were shouting my name over and over.

“Liz!”

I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe.

“Lizzy!”

Hands were around my shoulders, shaking me. Darkness surrounded me and I panicked.

Was I out, was I out?

I wrenched my arms away, terrified again.

The thing had gotten me- the thing had-

A weight came over me and held me in place with a hard hug.

“Liz! It’s all right, mate. You’ve had a bad dream.”

I couldn’t move and I was forced to look around my surroundings. I was in the cabin. Mr Brady looked down at me and gave me a smile.

“Mate, it was a bad dream.”

I nodded and pulled away, my body starting to shake uncontrollably. “Ok mate,” I mumbled. “Sorry…”

I lay back in the bed and wrapped myself in covers, waiting to ride out the shaking, waiting for the fear to drip away piece by piece.

It wasn’t moving and I was frozen.

I heard something rustle and my eyes darted to the door in fear. Alex stared down at me in concern and sat down beside me.

“Hey sweetie,” she said, her soft Californian voice soothing me. “Are you ok?”

But I couldn’t stop trembling, my limbs locking together in a huddle. I nodded, clutching my covers, waiting for it to pass.

She stayed with me for a while and stroked the hair from my face.

“What happened?”

I found my voice somehow and told her. I spilled out my fear for sleep. I spilled out my fear of the shadows. How I couldn’t get to them in my dream. How I was exhausted but too scared to go back to sleep. And then a deep fear started to settle in me on how I would be perceived.

I was at my utter most vulnerable. I was at my most exposed. Forget being naked in the desert, forget puking in a shiny catamaran’s brand new toilet- this was my fear sprawled out into the night for these people to see.

But all I had was love in return.

She offered me everything. A movie. Food. A drink. Did I want to sit in the lounge? Did I want a book? Did I want to sit with her?

I accepted and drink and she sat with me for a while, swapping over with Brady who then changed with Lisa.

Lisa is a very special person on the boat. As I lay on the bed, she held my hand and said a little prayer for me. I was touched by that. I was surrounded by love, and despite feeling embarrassed that as a twenty eight year old I was still suffering from night terrors, I knew I was protected.

Brady will never know how grateful I am for being pulled out of that nightmare. To have someone recognise when it’s happening and drag you out of it is one of the greatest things. And of course I told him I appreciated it, but I don’t think he knows how deeply grateful I am. No one besides from my mother when I was a child could feel when I was lost in a night terror.

So, if you’re reading or hearing this, my friend, thank you.

Soon I was left alone. I was terrified about going back to sleep. Everything took on a menacing aura and shape. The covers moved over my shoulders and I yelped, convinced a hand had come down on me. But there was no one there.

Later I got up for my watch, exhausted and fearful about returning to my cabin.

The watch came and went and soon it was Alex’s turn.

“Mate, take this,” she said, passing me a piece of brownie.

I took it questioningly, knowing that it was from our “special” batch.

“Hopefully that should knock you straight out,” she said.

“Dr Blue’s Medicine, hey?” I nodded gratefully and ate it down greedily. I turned and saw Mr Brady setting up his bed in the lounge to prepare for his night watch later on.

“Are you staying here?” I asked.

He nodded.

I bit my lip and didn’t say anything else. I didn’t want to admit that I was terrified about going to bed that night. That I was terrified at the idea that no one would be there to wake me up. That the idea of going to sleep alone made my stomach twist and my heart beat hard in my chest.

I stepped into the bathroom and stared at my expression for a while.

“You have got to stop this, Elizabeth,” I said sternly. “You are worth so much more than this.”

I wanted to feel happy within myself. I wanted to find peace. I wanted that acidic ball of acidity in my chest to dissipate. I wanted to love myself.

Returning to my bunk, I waited for the brownie to take effect. Prayed for it. Hoped for it. Begged for it.

“Please, please, please,” I murmured, closing my eyes, imagining myself to be the best version I could be. Imagined stripping away those layers of negativity and leaving them with the night.

“No more now, Elizabeth,” I murmured to myself. “You will love yourself now.”

The boat was rocking me peacefully and the covers were wrapped around my body warmly. The malicious sensation was gone, the shadows were normal shadows and the sounds were normal Delos sounds.

There was nothing there to hurt me.

“You will love yourself.”

I took a deep breath and fell into sleep.

No dreams haunted me. Just an abyss to fall into to repair my exhausted mind.

Time has gone on since then and we have arrived in Walvis Bay.

We’ve been here for just over a week and I’m so excited to share with you our adventures- and to share with you the amazing inner transformation that I feel is taking root. Whether it’s peace, clarity or just the kick up the arse that I needed, I feel very different.

I’ve had time to process everything and fully appreciate where I am and what I am doing- realising that I am contributing, that I am helping and that I am worthy of this journey. I still want to prove myself of course, but I know I am wanted, loved and appreciated here.

Why on earth it took me so long to realise that, I don’t know. But with everything I suppose it takes time. And maybe it’s because of you, the Delos Tribe, that I feel good.

I feel a lot more confident in my own ability and my own self worth.

Sleep is easier and I’m much less afraid of the nightmares. I go to bed each time in a good place spiritually and I am so so excited for my future. A lot of good things are happening right now and I really am having the time of my life. I’m so grateful to my crewmates. So grateful. They’ve helped me grow so much. They’ve helped me heal so much.

I know there’s still a journey ahead for my heart and mind, but I’m ready for it.

But for now, I’m pulling on Mr Brady’s wetsuit and he’s unhooking the paddle board for me. There’s been a lot of learning about myself on this journey- I think it’s a good day to learn one more thing.

See you out there!

Read more from Elizabeth here! www.earlewrites.com

Categories
The Delos Diaries

The Delos Diaries: Part 12 “It’s A New Day.”

The sun is beaming down on me on Delos as I sit with Alex and Brady on the back. I’m feeling very much at peace today, and relieved.

It’s a new day.

Categories
The Delos Diaries Uncategorized

The Delos Diaries: Part 9 “Naked Dune Day.”

The morning comes and Brian is excited about another day of exploring.

“Ok, guys, there’s this dune we have to climb- it’s about a 3km walk there and then we climb the dune. So it’s probably about an hour and a half there and an hour and a half back. What you reckon?”

Categories
The Delos Diaries

The Delos Diaries: Part 8 “The Skeleton Coast.”

I look down at the thing that has just crunched beneath my feet and take a step back quickly.

“Bones…” I mutter in astonishment. The white skull beneath my foot stares back at me accusingly, the deep black holes where eyes once were sunk deeper into the sand beneath my footprint.

Categories
The Delos Diaries

The Delos Diaries: Part 7 “The Ghost Town Of Luderitz.”

“It’s only seven thirty,” Alex said cheerfully. “We’ve got loads of time.”

Surrounded by music and dancing people in Luderitz, I wasn’t ready to go back to Delos right now. Brady had just returned from dropping off Lisa, Karin and Brian to the boat and was ready for a couple of drinks at the Cray Fish Festival.

We had to get up at 5am tomorrow morning to visit Luderitz’s ghost town- a settlement that had been created for the diamond miners and had become swallowed up in the desert. There was no way I was going to stay out late. I wanted to be fresh for tomorrow.

But maybe one more drink…

We all ordered more ciders, danced and made friends with some guys called John and Uncle.

Time ticked on and we still had plenty of it. Moving onwards to a club seemed like a good idea. Maybe the shots weren’t, kindly donated by a guy who felt rather generous with his own bottle of whiskey.

The dancing continues.

I’ve never come across anything like African music. I’ve never seen people dance with the entirety of their soul like the locals here. They dance with everything, their feet stamping out the rhythm of their heartbeats.

I joined in, laughing and having the time of my life, stomping out my own heartbeat into the floor.

We’re all at that warm fuzzy feeling stage- the place between tipsy and very tipsy. We’ve all got sloppy smiles on our faces and are two more drinks away from starting the inevitable, “I really love you, man!”

“Girls- we need a talk,” Brady says. “Do you want to go to the next place? I’m just saying- I’m happy with getting up after a couple of hours sleep, hungover. But are you ok with that?”

I’m in a haze of cider at that moment and the prospect of hangovers is far away. To my mind hangovers don’t exist right now. I am invincible. Unstoppable.

I’m SV Delos Crew- I laugh in the face of hangovers!

“I’m fine,” Alex says, then looking at me.

“Yeah, defo,” I chime in. “Life’s too short- let’s do it.”

But we have a problem. Coming out that night, we only took out a small amount of money, leaving our backpacks, wallets and phones back in Delos to avoid being pickpocketed. That money was now gone.

We stood from side to side, wondering what we should do, the idea of simply going home to bed and Delos never occurring to us.

I frowned, remembering something.

Reaching into my bra, I pull out a 100Rand note (£5/$7).

A grin breaks out across my face as I raise it to the light.

“Guys…!”

We stare at it as one, as though it was a holy relic sent from God himself.

Relief hits us and we celebrate at the chance of being able to have another drink. The moment is glorious, victorious, stupendous, and all because a bra can double up as a purse.

Thanks, boobs.

“But that’s all we have for the night,” I say slowly when we’ve eventually calmed down.

“That’s not going to be enough…” Alex points out.

We think and discuss for a minute, and then I see a room connected to the bar, the name of it painted boldly in big red letters.

Alex and Brady are continuing to try and figure out how we can make 100Rand last us a night, and I start grabbing their shoulders to get their attention.

“Guys- Guys!”

“What?”

But I’m staring at the room behind them and point up at the huge sign. They both turn as one, and stare at the word:

GAMBLING.

Their mouths drop open and we all join in a chorus of: “Oooooooo!”

When I’m never sure about what I need to do, I always think about what would make the better story. We’re all in control of writing our own destiny, after all.

Images of us putting everything we have on roulette flashes into my mind. There would be cheering, laughing, high fives and slaps on the back. I could imagine the moment happening in slow motion where we put everything on black, the tension and crossed fingers, the dancing on tiptoes as the ball falls on black-

But tonight it wasn’t to be.

After a discussion, we realise that we can’t take the risk and give the 100rand to our friend John to get another round of drinks in. They come and go and we’re skint once again, my imaginings of my glorious moment bursting with every bubble at the end of my bottle.

Still, going back to Delos doesn’t occur. We’ve stopped looking at the time and just know that we’re up for a good night. The next club is around the corner, and we’re a little bit tipsy at this point. Mr Brady is wearing his signature scarf and is “scarfing” everyone in sight.

Don’t know what scarfing is? Let me explain.

It is Mr Brady’s process of catching anyone in sight with his scarf when they least expect it, wrapping it around their torso, face or neck and then shouting:

“You’ve been scarfed!”

The locals find it confusing and Alex soon confiscates it from him. Walking up the next place to dance, we remember we don’t have money to get in.

“Don’t worry,” says Uncle. “I’ve got a friend.”

We get in for free after some persuasion on Uncle’s part and watch him as he buys at least fifteen shots of purple liquid.

I stare at them in horror, and there isn’t a shadow of a doubt that I am not going to be joining in. So, Alex and Brady stand at the bar, purple liquid shining under the lights as Uncle looks at them expectantly.

They both managed to chug a shot each, and we return downstairs to dance, the prospect of drinking more and vomiting not appealing to anyone.

My flipflop keeps breaking and I pull both off after being fed up of continually fixing it. I wince several times and know I have stepped on glass. I hobble, wipe my feet and continue to jump up and down. The night twists and turns and we dance together on a near empty dancefloor, cackling and trying to wrestle Brady’s scarf from him.

The scarfing is getting out of hand.

But Brady is skipping around, laughing and joyful as a five year old and we soon give up trying to stop him from accidentally strangling people.

But the night had to end at some point.

We eventually start heading back to Delos, our friend Adir following us to make sure we get home safe. He mentions a party however and Alex, Brady and I start to bicker about what we should do.

“We should go back,” Alex points out, and I know she’s right. But my brain is still in dance mode and I could happily go into another club. I’m happy to do whatever and say so.

“I’m not going back,” Brady announces.

“Ok, well, I am,” Alex says after a while of us continuing to fail to see the sense in all heading back together.

As she walked off around the corner, Brady and I proceed to squabble about what we should do.

Adir shakes his head at us. “You guys are crazy.”

Unable to refute his claim, we continued to debate our choices.

“You decide what we should do,” Brady says, holding up his hands in surrender. “You’re in charge.”

I express my thoughts about returning to the boat, and somehow we get back onto discussing the party. Alex had gone and we were now talking about needing to swim back to Delos through the freezing waters of Luderitz.

“But I want to go to the party,” Brady argues.

I roll my eyes. “But you just said I was in charge!”

“You are.”

“Eh?”

Somehow, we started to see sense, walked around the corner and saw that Miss California, our wonderful Alex Blue was still there, waiting for us. I thanked my lucky stars and instructed Mr Brady that we would all be going home together. I was too afraid to check the time, knowing that we only had a few hours of sleep left.

Trying to keep quiet as we boarded Delos and failing miserably, we filled the air with the following.

“Shhh!”

“Don’t tell me to shush!”

“Just be quiet!”

“You be quiet!”

“Shhh!”

After attempting to make grilled cheese on toast, getting told off by Brian for being noisy (we blame Mr Brady), we all headed to bed for the two hours sleep before we had to get up.

The next morning, I do not want to wake. I glance over at the comatose Mr Brady and know that he is not going to get up on his own.

I rub his shoulder and say his name, only for him to roll over and mutter something in another language and fall straight back to sleep.

“Brady… Brady! Mate, you have got to get up!”

It takes three attempts to wake him as we all desperately try to get ready as quickly as possible, murmuring apologies to Brian and cringing at the mess we have left in the kitchen.

I snooze in the van on the way there as the desert whizzes past, wondering whether I could find a quiet corner in the sand and sleep for a while.

We eventually arrive at the Ghost Town, the sun still not up as we hop out and gawk at the scene. A settlement of houses were left empty, their windows and open doors yawning wide in a silent plea for someone to save them. Sand covered everything, in a flood of pale gold.

“Oh my God…” someone breathes. Maybe it was me. All I know is that we are instantly overwhelmed by the view and we don’t even know which building to start in.

We scatter, diving into the different houses that once had families and friends inside, the paintwork from nearly 100 years ago cracked and flaking onto floorboards hidden in sand. Some rooms were halfway full of the desert, forcing you to crawl across the sand inside and be able to touch the ceiling.

Hooks hung on the wall, happily waiting to take people’s coats and hats, longingly waiting for their previous owners.

There was a sadness about this place. Everything was so beautiful and lovingly made, now lost and dying under the African sun. It was like a slow burial, the desert and strangers being the only company these houses now had.

We were the only ones there. The sun had started to rise and we huddled together as we watched. The sky exploded in pinks, oranges and yellows as it chased away the coolness of the sand, the sun stretching slowly up in the sky as our daily companion.

“Hello again,” I murmured, smiling.

We continued to explore, the heat rising as we all attempted to drink as much water as possible- Brady, Alex and I especially.

Tiny footprints of birds and mice trailed across the untouched sand inside the houses, remnants of life passing through. Karin chased across the trails excitedly, pointing her camera in the hope of finding some tiny animals.

I wondered what the Ghost Town would have looked like a hundred years ago. About the people who had been here. About when the paint was bright, the floorboards were shining and people were dancing. We ran through the rooms like ghosts, tripping over, jumping and cartwheeling as we explored in Delos style, filling the empty rooms with our whoops and cheers.

There was a freedom in exploring a place such as that with no one else there. We were wild. We were free. We span and jumped and twisted and turned, laughing and joking, the walls of the building reverberating with our laughter.

It was an incredible exploration.

Soon people started to visit the Ghost Town, our solitude destroyed as people turned up in tour buses and shiny cars. We looked like a right bunch walking through the main hall barefoot, bandannas wrapped around our heads as we went to join the tour of the Ghost Town.

By this point we had been there for four hours.

People stared at us as we listened to our tour guide, slugging back water and attempting to silently nibble on a biscuit. We stuck out like a sore thumb.

We were taken around the theatre room, the champagne bar, the bowling room and visited a house that was kept in its original order. It looked peaceful and a place that I wouldn’t mind staying in for a few days.

But stepping outside again and staring at the barren landscape of sand and sun, I knew I could never live here for long.

The tour guide spoke of the miners being put in quarantine for two weeks before they left the settlement, given two year contracts to stay constantly on site. We listened as they were made to drink castor oil to flush out any diamonds they may have ingested, wincing when we heard of the miners that cut their skin to hide diamonds inside, waiting for their flesh to heal over.

It sounded absolutely crazy to hear the lengths that people would go to, but I couldn’t help but think, “Come on, man- just give them a couple of diamonds.”

The past inhabitants had left due to there being bigger diamonds somewhere else. I wondered why a use hadn’t been found for this settlement but didn’t ask. I was exhausted, sunburnt, dehydrated and longing for a nap, not to mention utterly overwhelmed by the sights and experiences we had had together as a group.

“Yet another amazing day, family,” Brian said as we jumped back into our little van, Brady, Alex and I finally forgiven for our drunken indiscretions.

I smiled and sighed, my eyes closing as my brain started to shut down and think of cheese and sleep.

“It definitely was, Brian,” I mumble, shifting into a more comfortable position. “And it always is.”

Categories
The Delos Diaries

The Delos Diaries: Part 6 “Becoming a Salty Sailor.”

It’s cold, it’s dark and the blanket I’ve wrapped around my legs keeps slipping off in some way or other. I’m trying to keep my eyes open whilst making sure I’m checking radar and making sure we stay on course.

I clench my jaw as I stand, the blanket falling to my feet, heat lost and toes freezing as I check the horizon. There’s always that chance that there could be an obstacle out there that won’t show up on radar. The wind whips the hood back from my face and I hurriedly wrap my scarf tighter around my neck. I see nothing but the Milky Way stretching across the black depths of the sky.

I retreat back to my chair before the wheel, my eyes glued on the wind gauge, trying to take it all in, absorb it- process it.

I find myself suddenly responsible for the lives of five people- and their home.

Four days earlier…

We’re up early. It’s a hot day in South Africa and there’s an excitement brimming in me as soon as I wake.

We’re leaving Cape Town.

Alex and I rush off to enjoy a nice long hot shower early in the morning- we don’t know when we’re going to have another one again and want to take advantage. Thoroughly scrubbed, Brady, Alex and I rush off into the Waterfront to exchange our rand into Namibian Dollars. I don’t know why but we have no luck and spend a fruitless hour being refused from banks and currency exchange booths.

“I feel like I’ve wasted an hour,” I mumbled as we head back.

“We had a killer breakfast though,” Alex says and I nod, happy to go a morning without porridge for once. I’m trying my best to stop myself from saying anything negative. It’s so easy to complain about the little things and although I was annoyed that it couldn’t just be a simple procedure, I knew that being pissed off with the situation wasn’t going to change anything. Alex and Brady are good with pulling me up on this. I’m often negative about myself and that’s a habit I’m definitely learning to snap out of.

“Every time you say something mean about yourself, you have to do ten press ups!” Alex announced one evening.

The threat of that was enough to keep my mouth shut.

We returned to the boat to find Lisa Blair there herself with friends, ready to see us off. I was astounded and so happy to see her there by the gates, her curly hair bobbing around her face as she grinned and chatted to our new buddies.

“There you are!” she exclaimed in her Aussie accent, her smile widening even more. “Where the bloody hell have you been?”

Don’t know who Lisa Blair is? Let me explain. She’s a lass who decided to make a stand against climate change, bought a boat, named it Climate Action Now and decided to sail around the world in a mission to raise awareness. She sailed for 81 days before her mast broke in a storm and was forced to come to Cape Town to hole up and repair her beloved boat.

That’s where we came in, keen for her arrival and went speeding off in Maggie, armed with beers and cameras, keen to meet the infamous Lisa Blair.

Fast becoming friends after a few parties, meals and some drunken ramblings, I know we were all so pleased to see her and our new friends to see us off.

Then, everything just happened so fast.

We were casting off, pulling up the fenders and waving from the bow.

This is happening, I thought as my hand tightly gripped the rigging. This is actually happening. I had waited for this so long, had thought about it for so long. Had never thought this was ever possible. This time last year I had just moved into my old housemate’s place, sitting down and watching my first SV Delos episode. If you were to tell me that I would be here, sitting and staring up at the sails, about to head on my very own adventure with the SV Delos Crew- that I would be part of the SV Delos Crew, I would have rolled my eyes, laughed and made you a cup of tea.

But here I was, sailing off into the distance towards Luderitz with Table Mountain becoming smaller and smaller behind me. I felt as though I had been in Cape Town so long that it had become part of me. There was a routine. There was a familiarity. It had become a home.

But I had become restless for the adventure again and I knew that my home wasn’t about where I was- it was who I was with. I was home with these people. My crew.

The crew, (knowing how to sail already) communicated with each other about sails, motoring, wind direction and other words I didn’t really understand. I knew we were going forwards, and that was about it. Every time we have gone out for a practice sail, I have made sure I’ve watched what everyone is doing and ask questions on anything I don’t understand.

I was to learn very quickly.

My biggest fear was that I was going to become seasick. But none of it came. I’d like to think I have a strong stomach- I’m British after all, and I was pleased when no shameful episodes of throwing up over the side came into play. There’s only so much I can live down. But I found my body anticipating the movement of Delos, waiting for the rise and the fall of the boat, my body leaning back and forth to the motion. It’s actually kind of fun.

Except when you’re in bed.

I would wake up in the morning and sleepily ask, “How did you all sleep?” to hear a chorus of “great, thanks!” But I have had to stuff pillows around my body to stop myself from rolling left to right. I’ve found that’s the worst motion. If it’s a roll from bow to stern, then I’m rocked to sleep like a baby. Left to right, my body is rolling around like a sausage. Trapping myself with pillows help- and I’m ready to fall into a world of sweet dreams.

But then there’s Mr Brady.

Mr Brady and I share his cabin, a bunk on either side, separated by “privacy curtains” if we so choose. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don’t. It usually depends how exhausted and how much rum we’ve drank.

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of sharing a cabin with Mr Brady and fantasise of doing so- I assure you- it’s not the pleasure palace you think it’s going to be.

And although we have a peaceful co-existence, there are times when the moon is high and the stars are shining when the peacefulness is disrupted.

Lying in bed, swamped in pillows and blankets, I stare at the ceiling, blinking. Again. And again.

I cannot sleep. Exhaustion is clawing in my bones and I know I have my watch coming on in a few hours.

The reason?

I roll to my side and stare at Brady’s face. His mouth is half open, his head tilted upwards as a pug like growl comes from his throat, mixed with unexpected bursts of laughter and talking in his sleep.

I stare at him as he says loudly in his sleep, “Do I look good?” before falling back into snoring. Resigned, I grab my earplugs and try and block it all out.

As the nights passed on, his snoring became one of the other noises of Delos that became ingrained into the Girl Crew’s core. Trapped in the center of Delos between the sound of Brady and Brian, their nasal roars eventually melded into the sounds of the crashing of waves. Our eardrums evolved to block it out to survive.

But now it’s my watch. My alarm goes off and I scramble to switch it off before it wakes Mr Brady. Which is nigh on impossible. It’s quite good sharing a room with someone who’s had experience sleeping through the worst and is genuinely not bothered.

A note about Mr Brady for you all- I have never met someone who is grossed out so little by anything. He doesn’t care about nudity, body hair, smells, poop, noises or people being all round disgusting. It’s made me and the girls feel very much as home because we feel as though we can completely be ourselves. It doesn’t matter who last pooped, who accidentally just farted or in Alex’s case- belched loud enough to make mountains crumble. It doesn’t matter if the girls haven’t been able to shave their legs or wash for a week. No one on the boat cares- least of all him.

So I gather my things, still trying to be quiet out of politeness and shuffle on deck. Karin’s waiting for me and Lisa comes down so she can sleep.

Brady, Brian and Karin are sharing three hour watches with us throughout the night until we get more confident with the workings of Delos. I’m looking forward to being capable of doing night watches alone so they can get some sleep, but I know I’ve still got much to learn.

I feel as the days have passed, I’m learning more and more about the workings of a boat. Brady gives me a sailing question of the day, whether it’s about tacking, jibing, or what the difference between true and apparent wind is. I try my best to answer as well as I can- sometimes I’m afraid of getting the answer wrong and hesitate to speak my mind, needing to retreat back to the books and read the page over and over until it’s sank in. And sometimes it doesn’t. I tend to need to experience an action to truly understand it, have someone to explain it to me and for me to explain it back. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself, but I have a constant fear of being the weak link on the boat.

I must keep up.

So here I am, sitting wrapped in blankets, surrounded by the stars. I think back to the night where we had our first anchorage from Cape Town in Saldana Bay. Maggie had taken us to shore for us to enjoy a beer in yacht club. We went from not being allowed a drink because we weren’t members to several rounds of double rums, talking to the locals and singing songs on the guitar.

I smile in my seat, thinking about how each day I have spent on Delos, I have had another amazing experience to be grateful for.

Another gust of wind comes and I wrap my head with my scarf, my hand reaching forward to check the radar again.

This is why night watch is so important. This is why it has to be taken seriously.

It’s my responsibility to learn as much as I can in order not to just become a sailor- it’s not about that. It’s about being able to look after the people on this boat. My family.

I lean back before the wheel, waves lapping against the ribs of Delos as I breathe in deeply, thinking once again how grateful I am to be here.

I am here.

Find more about SV Delos here! www.svdelos.com

 

Want to help support my pursuit of writing/eating bacon/surviving in France? Join me on Patreon and gain access to unseen footage, extras, gifts and other juicy bits! Click here! You can also support me by buying one of my books or visiting my shop!

Categories
The Delos Diaries

The Delos Diaries: Part 5 (“Today is the Tomorrow you spoke of Yesterday!”)

Continued from The Delos Diaries Part 4…

Categories
The Delos Diaries

The Delos Diaries: Part 4 “Elizabeth Goes Electric.”

Whoa. What a week so far. We’ve done so much that my brain actually hurts.