Earle Writes

I’ll be honest. I’m not too sure what’s happening in my life. I feel as though I’m just searching for the next distraction. I’m restless. I had a plan before- a direction. I had a contentment and peace that wrapped around me like a security blanket.

That’s gone now. And I’m left with so many different paths to go down that it’s making me feel dizzy. I don’t know which route to go down because I don’t know which one is the best route to take.

The route I’m thinking about going down isn’t something I can just easily turn back from either. I don’t know what’s best for me at the moment.

I feel as though I’m living from each day to the next. That’s not how things should be. My direction is off and I feel a bit without purpose at the moment.

I do not feel content.

And maybe that’s my fault. My dad is always telling me “it’s not what happens that matters- it’s how you respond.” And I suppose it’s true. I’ve come a long way. I wince when I think about how I was a few months ago. But I’m proud of myself the same time. I’ve been putting myself back together piece by piece, and although I know there will be obstacles ahead to test me, I feel proud of what I’ve accomplished. I suppose I’m scared of having my happiness tested again. I’m scared of being unprepared. I’m scared of my reaction. Of how I’ll feel. I’ve come so far, I can’t bear the thought of feeling that way again. But I know I’ll get a flash of that sensation sooner or later. I’ll feel that familiar sense of acid spreading through my chest as I try and avoid whatever scenario I’ve been exposed to. Whatever has brought it back.

I would like to think that I am a kind person. I don’t like to make anyone feel bad. I’m not a spreader of negative vibes. I’ll usually let that weigh down on myself. I’ll take the smut of whatever pain the other person has wrought. I don’t want to make anyone feel hurt. But maybe that’s why I’m feeling like this today. Maybe everything has just taken its toll. Maybe I haven’t been kind enough to myself. Maybe this is one of those “blip” days. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

One thing is for sure- I’ve been feeling more and more restless.

I need a new adventure. I need a new explosion of life. A new direction.

Or is it another distraction?

I have no idea what I’m looking for.

I feel as though I need a life reset. I need to figure out what I actually want. I have four stable things in my life. My painting, writing, family and friends. I should consider myself lucky. I have had more support than I could ever hope for. And I suppose that I need to learn to be strong on my own. Become disciplined and self-motivation. I’ve been so used to putting my wants and needs to the back of my mind. I never held myself as important. I considered myself as disposable. Expendable. There are some days when I wonder if that is actually the case.

But it’s not.

We all have talents and we all have things that we can offer to ourselves and each other to make each day better. Maybe I just need to dig deep today. Maybe I need to re-evaluate things. Maybe I should facetime my folks or just head to the gym. Whatever I need to do, I suppose I should just get to it.

It’s taken a long time to recognise my own self worth and realise what I can give.

My friend returned from travelling yesterday and she seemed to notice a change. I hadn’t seen her for months and the only contact we had had was over online messages whilst everything got turned upside down. It was nice to finally give her a hug and see her face to face. Tanned and smiling, I was relieved to finally have my friend back.

“You’re different,” she said, as she settled into my car.

I frowned, not knowing if that was a good or bad thing, but braced for the answer. “What do you mean?”

“You seem more…” she hesitated. “More energetic.”

I smiled shrewdly. “More boisterous?”

She nodded. “You’ve changed. I can see it in you.”

“I feel as though before I was weak and diluted squash,” I tried to explain. “Now I’m pure 100% orange juice with the bits. I feel more myself.”

She laughed at my explanation.

“I feel like I’ve gotten myself back,” I said further, tapping my fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for the learner driver to successfully complete their parallel parking. “It’ll take a strong man to handle me now.”

I know what I’m like now. It took a while to actually accept it. I found myself saying and doing things that I hadn’t have said or done in years. I was worried that I was regressing, that I was becoming less of a “lady” and more like the tomboy I had used to be. I had to embrace it. I had to accept that my personality is a fiery one. I know I’m outspoken, boisterous and energetic. But I’m also approachable, friendly and optimistic. I’m fiercely loyal and dedicated. I’m not a shrinking violet and I’m not afraid of scary situations. I will give my all to those I love. I’ve walked through fire and come through the other end, if a little bit burnt. But I’ve done it.

And I won’t change myself for anyone.

I always end up saying the same thing in the end. About not knowing what direction I’m going in. I think back to calmer times, when I had a direction. I remember thinking so surely about what I wanted. I had a direct route. I knew what I wanted to achieve. I was stable, steady and sure.

Now I have no idea what I want.

The only thing that is sure is my writing. I had felt lost before, not knowing which storyline to dedicate myself to. I wanted to create a new world to throw myself into. But I couldn’t find satisfaction in any of them.

I found myself drawn back to the storyline that I started in Australia. The book that I will be releasing in just a matter of months. Returning to that world has brought me a sense of comfort. I am surrounded by familiar characters and places that I know. It’s reassuring. I know this world. I belong in this world. It’s a one point of surety when everything else is changing around me.

Being in charge of your own happiness sounds liberating. I suppose it is, but it’s terrifying as well. You are solely responsible for making yourself happy. You can’t rely on anyone else.

It’s been challenging.

Nothing is enough. I want to do more. I’ve begun to do things that I didn’t even think I would do. I’m learning lessons all over again, and wonderfully for me I’ve been able to put what I’ve recently learned from them into action.

It’s difficult to not look back at the past. It’s hard to forget that in those moments I felt safe and secure. I have never felt the presence of myself so keenly before.

It’s like being stuck with someone you just can’t get rid of- and that person is yourself.

Maybe that’s what I’ve been attempting to distract myself with.

The past few weeks have been wonderful, hectic and agonising. Every day is progression. Every day is a step closer to my goals. The past couple of months I’ve taken time out for myself. It’s been self indulgent, but I’ve needed it. I’ve needed that time to get comfortable in my own skin again. I’ve learned a lot of things about myself that I didn’t before. I feel like a completely different person to who I was months ago. I feel more me. I recognise traits of myself that I haven’t seen for years. I surprise myself every day by the things that I will do or say.

It’s like getting to know someone all over again.

I’ve had a new zest for life. And whether it’s a zest because it’s the only way to make the day go quicker or because I’m genuinely excited to explore new things, I suppose either way it’s good.

I’ve gone out and done stuff, which ordinarily I wouldn’t have done before. I started roller skating. I explored a castle. I stayed up till 2am editing my book. I stayed out until 5am in the morning. I did a children’s book event in Coventry. I went on a date. I went to a 1930’s gin festival. I explored an abandoned building. And whereas I found a world with wheels strapped to my feet and falling on my arse more enjoyable than dating, I’m sure there will be more new things for me to experience in July.

And most importantly I’ve been able to stick up for myself the past few weeks. I’ve been able to say no when I thought something was wrong. I’ve been able to tell someone straight when I’ve felt they’ve treated me poorly. I’ve been able to make a wise decision that would have saved a lot of grief for me in the future.

I recognise my worth. I know my value.

It’s like I’m finally listening to that part of myself that is trying to look after me.

And I’m grateful for that part.

I feel as though I’ve accomplished so much in the past four years. It has taken me a long while to actually view my self-worth. I’ve been so used to putting myself at the bottom of the pile that I haven’t known how to deal with putting myself first.

I’ve been forced to do that over the past few months and it’s been liberating.

I have never been so busy in my days. I have never planned so many excursions in my life. I am exhausted and so excited for the future. There is a whole new world of possibilities that are before me, and I’m glad I can finally see that.

Sometimes I catch myself off guard. My mind will drift and wander. I’ll think of times somewhere else. I’ll remember sensations, conversations and feelings. It pulls me down sometimes, but not as much as it did before.

It took me a while to acknowledge that it’s ok to have these feelings. It’s ok to think about the past. We’re human at the end of the day. If we don’t cut ourselves a break, who is?

My friends have been very dear to me over the past few months. We’ve been having a bit of a crazy time and I feel more alive than I’ve been in a long while. I take risks now.

And for a while I was surprising myself with the things I’ve said or done, but it’s just because I’m getting to know myself again. I’m relearning a lot of things that I thought I already knew. I’ve made mistakes, which I thought I had learned from a long time ago. But it’s just a crash course back into this life I suppose. Learning to trust some and distrust others.

And things have been good. I’ve been good. I’ve felt positive and excited. I feel steady and on course. I’m visiting so many places this year and I know there’s going to be so many more fresh experiences. I was afraid the other week of discontent, but as each day passes, I get a little bit closer to my goal. I’ve started to create a life for myself that I can be happy with. They say we are in control of our own happiness and I’ve been trying to do that. No- not trying- I’ve been accomplishing that.

It’s been a long and rocky road, but after the scrapes, bumps and bruises, I think I’ve got a hang of it now.