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Orange Juice

I’ll be honest. I’m not too sure what’s happening in my life. I feel as though I’m just searching for the next distraction. I’m restless. I had a plan before- a direction. I had a contentment and peace that wrapped around me like a security blanket.

That’s gone now. And I’m left with so many different paths to go down that it’s making me feel dizzy. I don’t know which route to go down because I don’t know which one is the best route to take.

The route I’m thinking about going down isn’t something I can just easily turn back from either. I don’t know what’s best for me at the moment.

I feel as though I’m living from each day to the next. That’s not how things should be. My direction is off and I feel a bit without purpose at the moment.

I do not feel content.

And maybe that’s my fault. My dad is always telling me “it’s not what happens that matters- it’s how you respond.” And I suppose it’s true. I’ve come a long way. I wince when I think about how I was a few months ago. But I’m proud of myself the same time. I’ve been putting myself back together piece by piece, and although I know there will be obstacles ahead to test me, I feel proud of what I’ve accomplished. I suppose I’m scared of having my happiness tested again. I’m scared of being unprepared. I’m scared of my reaction. Of how I’ll feel. I’ve come so far, I can’t bear the thought of feeling that way again. But I know I’ll get a flash of that sensation sooner or later. I’ll feel that familiar sense of acid spreading through my chest as I try and avoid whatever scenario I’ve been exposed to. Whatever has brought it back.

I would like to think that I am a kind person. I don’t like to make anyone feel bad. I’m not a spreader of negative vibes. I’ll usually let that weigh down on myself. I’ll take the smut of whatever pain the other person has wrought. I don’t want to make anyone feel hurt. But maybe that’s why I’m feeling like this today. Maybe everything has just taken its toll. Maybe I haven’t been kind enough to myself. Maybe this is one of those “blip” days. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

One thing is for sure- I’ve been feeling more and more restless.

I need a new adventure. I need a new explosion of life. A new direction.

Or is it another distraction?

I have no idea what I’m looking for.

I feel as though I need a life reset. I need to figure out what I actually want. I have four stable things in my life. My painting, writing, family and friends. I should consider myself lucky. I have had more support than I could ever hope for. And I suppose that I need to learn to be strong on my own. Become disciplined and self-motivation. I’ve been so used to putting my wants and needs to the back of my mind. I never held myself as important. I considered myself as disposable. Expendable. There are some days when I wonder if that is actually the case.

But it’s not.

We all have talents and we all have things that we can offer to ourselves and each other to make each day better. Maybe I just need to dig deep today. Maybe I need to re-evaluate things. Maybe I should facetime my folks or just head to the gym. Whatever I need to do, I suppose I should just get to it.

It’s taken a long time to recognise my own self worth and realise what I can give.

My friend returned from travelling yesterday and she seemed to notice a change. I hadn’t seen her for months and the only contact we had had was over online messages whilst everything got turned upside down. It was nice to finally give her a hug and see her face to face. Tanned and smiling, I was relieved to finally have my friend back.

“You’re different,” she said, as she settled into my car.

I frowned, not knowing if that was a good or bad thing, but braced for the answer. “What do you mean?”

“You seem more…” she hesitated. “More energetic.”

I smiled shrewdly. “More boisterous?”

She nodded. “You’ve changed. I can see it in you.”

“I feel as though before I was weak and diluted squash,” I tried to explain. “Now I’m pure 100% orange juice with the bits. I feel more myself.”

She laughed at my explanation.

“I feel like I’ve gotten myself back,” I said further, tapping my fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for the learner driver to successfully complete their parallel parking. “It’ll take a strong man to handle me now.”

I know what I’m like now. It took a while to actually accept it. I found myself saying and doing things that I hadn’t have said or done in years. I was worried that I was regressing, that I was becoming less of a “lady” and more like the tomboy I had used to be. I had to embrace it. I had to accept that my personality is a fiery one. I know I’m outspoken, boisterous and energetic. But I’m also approachable, friendly and optimistic. I’m fiercely loyal and dedicated. I’m not a shrinking violet and I’m not afraid of scary situations. I will give my all to those I love. I’ve walked through fire and come through the other end, if a little bit burnt. But I’ve done it.

And I won’t change myself for anyone.

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