The French Diaries!

The Day after the Night before.

It’s the day after the night before. Edouard and I are working hard in selling Papageno- as much as we can anyway. It’s now live for offers here:

https://www.ebay.com/itm/253933686811

We’ve had many messages and comments of support, love and even the few who say, “Nooooo!”

They’re the ones that make me smile sadly.

Of course the adventure isn’t over. I love Papageno. But I can’t imagine going back to the lonely marina in the burning heat and sitting inside her, wondering what my next step is whilst my spirit is broken. For now, I know my next step is home. It has to be. Who knows, I may change my mind over Christmas and think, “what the hell am I doing?”

But I am focused on settling on the waterways of Britain for now and it makes me happy. I have been away from home for the past two years. I’ve taken it all for granted. The sitting down with a cup of tea and discussing each other’s day. Meeting your friends in the pub and celebrating someone’s job promotion or birthday. Sitting together when you’re remembering a lost one, raising your glasses as you reflect on the times you spent together.

All of these things.

I’ve taken so much of my life for granted, so focused on the future I haven’t focused on the now. I even took France for granted. I was in a beautiful city, with the love of my life. I have so many regrets, I should have done this, I should have done that, I should have paid more attention, made more of an effort. I should have taken classes to learn French, I should have gone out with those girls when they kept inviting me three weeks in a row so I could make friends.

But instead I went to that Jack London exhibition and was so blown away by the dream of living on a boat and writing that I saw nothing else. I was completely blinded to the joys that were surrounding me. I could only think of the future. Of buying the boat, of fixing her, of sailing across those topaz waters and diving beneath, discovering that place that I’ve yearned all of my life to find.

And so, I have regrets.

Maybe it was my surety that I wouldn’t lose what I had. I had found Edouard in such a magical place, we were bound by the Universe- how on earth could I lose him?

But somehow I did.

And so I find myself in the middle of Europe and the Caribbean, exhausted, drained and with a panic bubbling in my stomach of selling Papageno. I feel like a five year old who just wants to run to her mother. And that’s what I want to do. I want to run to my mum for a hug so she can make me a cup of tea and tell me I’ve done the right thing. I want to be with my sister, so she can help me get over my heartbreak. I want to be with my dad so his straightforwardness and forward thinking will slam me out of my fear and self pity and focus on the future again. My future.

And I want to be with my friends so they can recharge my happy batteries. So I can laugh, joke, sing and dance again.

Edouard and I will be keeping contact as we go down our different paths. He will be helping me sell Papageno, and will be potentially driving Leela and I from Paris to England if I have any trouble with getting her a flight back to Blighty. We’ve both spoken about visiting each other in the future and we’re glad that we’re leaving on good terms. To be honest, I think we’re just pretending we’re going for a trip away on Tuesday. We’re not actually comprehending that we only have today and tomorrow as a couple. We’re pretending that it’s not a big deal.

But Tuesday is fast approaching of when we start our first step in different directions.

Everything is starting to feel very real.

Our separation. Selling the boat. Returning home.

Just breathe, Elizabeth, just breathe.

So, I will try my best to enjoy the now, throw myself into some painting and allow the colours to bring me some joy as they span across white. Because that’s life. You’re given a blank canvas. It’s up to you how colourful it should be.

Breathe, Elizabeth. Breathe.

 

Find my most recent painting for Limited Edition prints at: “Topaz Waves” Watercolour Limited Edition Print

Topaz Waves

5 comments

  1. Hello Lizbef

    We are so sorry you are in the midst of sitting in broken dreams at the moment. “This too shall pass”. However, it’s easier said than done when you are so upset. Mark my words though, what you are feeling at the moment will slowly become memories. Some will make you smile whilst others may not.

    You have done so well in your efforts on your journey with papageno. A mammoth task, but you faced it head on and worked so hard to try and make it a great success. You are obviously a born fighter with great determination and a strong spirit.

    You are quite right to be living in the present and to take one day at a time right now with your adorable Leela. Just take as long as it takes to heal, rest and recharge and live, even if it’s not too exciting for a while. Enjoy just being creatively alive with family and friends. Allow yourself to be nurtured and cared for by all those who love you.

    We are sure any road you choose in life will be successful. Along the way you will find, the right people to travel with on your next adventure, and perhaps a greater love than you have already known.

    We have never met but enjoyed knowing you, threw your videos and blogs from which you’re kind, caring, creatively talented, hilariously witty, and all round amazing character shows through.

    Once you are healed, go girl!

    Maybe going to your parents initially would be a wise move.

    I would like to share with you a poem I once wrote when a lot younger and which comes to mind in relation to yourself at the moment. I hope you don’t mind. xxx

    Sanctuary

    Parental love
    is a soothing balm
    an antidote for hurt
    from those who cause harm.

    A safehouse and haven
    where I go to recover,
    Safe from the pain,
    inflicted by others.

    When I need the security
    of love that is true.
    I find myself running
    home, Parents to you.

    Something instinctive
    sends me with speed
    to the warmth and security
    of the love that I need.

    I’d just like to thank you
    for always being there
    when life is unkind
    and no one else cares.

    with best wishes from

    Craig and Marquita x

  2. Dearest loving, kind, beautiful, funny Elizabeth!! My heart breaks for you at this difficult time. I wish that I could magic your pain away but apparently my superpowers are failing today.

    I’m in a very similar situation at the mo’ – and thankfully I too will keep my beloved pooch. That is a blessing for me and Leela will be for you too I’m sure. Enjoy her – she will make you smile every single day

    As ever, I wish you love and positive energy. You’ve got this Lady! Huge hugs. Xx

  3. A poem that has got me through past challenges and heart breaks. It took me some time, but eventually I found my soulmate and dream job. You will too!

    After a while – Veronica A. Shoffstall
    After a while you learn
    the subtle difference between
    holding a hand and chaining a soul
    and you learn
    that love doesn’t mean leaning
    and company doesn’t always mean security.
    And you begin to learn
    that kisses aren’t contracts
    and presents aren’t promises
    and you begin to accept your defeats
    with your head up and your eyes ahead
    with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
    and you learn
    to build all your roads on today
    because tomorrow’s ground is
    too uncertain for plans
    and futures have a way of falling down
    in mid-flight.
    After a while you learn
    that even sunshine burns
    if you get too much
    so you plant your own garden
    and decorate your own soul
    instead of waiting for someone
    to bring you flowers.
    And you learn that you really can endure
    you really are strong
    you really do have worth
    and you learn
    and you learn
    with every goodbye, you learn…

  4. Never regret trying to pursue a dream. Many of us in the sideline admire your courage and strength. I know we wish we had the courage to just leap and travel the world. Love and hugs to you.

  5. Even though this didn’t turn out as planned you are richer for your experiences. From the Skeleton Coast to crossing the Atlantic. You have gained sailing and boat knowledge and been willing to go outside your comfort zone. Many of your detractors don’t seem to realize that every expert started out not knowing what they were doing. They all made their mistakes and learned along the way. You have and will continue to live. You have put yourself out there, taken the risks and have the memories to cherish and now the experience to move forward and guide you.
    Good luck as you continue your adventures and always be ready to take a measured risk.

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