I want to call this honesty hour. Because I’ve got a few things to share with you.
Edouard has left the boat and is not coming back. I have been away from Papageno for a week in France to see him face to face. We love each other very much, but we’ve decided to take a break and go back to our own countries to repair.

Wow. There. It’s out.

Edouard has followed me on this journey for the past six months. He is the kindest and most wonderful person I have ever met. I have not loved someone as deeply as him, and I pray in the future, the Universe brings him back to me, if it’s the thing that we are both destined for. I hope there is a reason for all of this. I hope there is a meaning to all of this. I have to continue having faith in myself to see me through.

And so, I am here with Papageno and my future.

My world revolves around expectations, fear and stubbornness. I do not want to fail my boat. I do not want to fail you guys.

But I’ve made a decision.

I will be selling Papageno.

We have come so far with her. But I need to go home back to England to repair my heart.

I am utterly spent and fractured.

So what does this mean now?

Surely you didn’t think the adventure was over?

No way.

I haven’t gone through this evolution of myself over the past two years for nothing. I haven’t been through all of this to break now.

I will be getting another boat within the new year- in Europe, may I add. For safety, comfort and my spirit, I want to be close to home. I also want to be close to France so Edouard and I can see each other.

I want to think on my happiness, and England is calling me to give me a huge hug. And so, the next project beckons. I have my to-do list with Papageno and I am going to do my best to do the repairs I can so I can say that she has been “restored”. Maybe- minus a rig! She will be sold with her beautiful repaired and fortified masts, her engine improved, cleaned and sporting that beautiful new head gasket, the interior repainted and made beautiful.

I do not want to fail her.

But I do not want to fail myself.

So what does this mean now? It means you will all be plunged into a world of us repairing Papageno in Martinique, it means you will follow me as I am honest about doing this solo (as I have not wished to share the details since Edouard and I have been trying to fix things,) it also means that you will be with me on another hunt for a boat- probably on a journey that you actually didn’t expect. I will be showing you a Britain that I love. I will be showing you how Leela takes to her new life. And even if Edouard and I come back together again. Or not.

I am sharing this with you all now, because you have been so loyal to me.

I am sharing this with you all now because I want to.

I need to.

I will be working on forwards as a writer and an artist. The very things that make me happy but I’ve had nearly no time for. I’ve always wanted to start up my own business, selling my illustrations, using my art to create homeware, clothing and ceramics. I’ve wanted to learn how to make pottery, to sew properly, to create with oil paintings. I wanted to learn how to work with glass, to make jewellery, to work with wood and metal. I’ve wanted to create more children’s books, spending time to illustrate with watercolour and ink. I’ve wanted to continue with my series of books, The Contract of Maddox Black and The Girl with Nine Lives. And I want to continue to film, showing you the Britain I love, discovering the places that history, mystery and intrigue wraps around like smoke. I also want to share with you as I get back to my homeland and pretty much just let my hair down. Because face it, after the past six months, a girl needs to blow off some steam, doesn’t she?

I have no idea where my future lies. I had thought my future was bound for the unexplored islands and crystal blue waters with the French Vagabond by my side. I didn’t foresee that I would be going home with a dog instead. But for now, the rolling green fields of Britain with her ancient forests and crumbling castles are calling me.

Home is calling me.

Currently, it’s raining in France. Edouard is helping me type up the announcement in French to various boat sales websites. There’s a strange sort of peace about it.

He leaves to his new job in Marseille in a few days. We’re spending what time we have left together, although I feel sick each time I think about saying goodbye.

I’ve struggled the past few months thinking that it has been because of me. Because of the boat, Because of my choices. But the truth is, Edouard wants to follow his own path for a while. And I respect that. He has been travelling for nearly seven years now and needs to find his own direction. His own purpose. He cannot simply follow me. My turtle saving partner who I found on a tiny island in the middle of the South Atlantic deserves everything that can make him happy and more. I thank my stars every day for meeting him. I thank Neptune for Delos for bringing me to that island. And I give myself a pat on the back for making the first move.

It was all worth it.

Edouard wants to do his diving qualifications and wants to get back to helping the homeless associations and ocean preservation efforts. He’s a better person than I and he inspires me every day.

I sit here with a bittersweet feeling in my stomach. Is this what the Universe wants? Is it guiding me in a different direction? Where am I supposed to go?

We got so far with Papageno. But I don’t think I am doing her justice any more. She needs someone with a renewed fire in their belly who has the expertise to see this through.
My skills are restricted. And yes I could learn. But at this moment in time, I do not have the heart to stay in the Caribbean and work on her whilst everyone I love is in Europe. I have to go back.

Because at the end of the day, there are thousands of boats in the world. The people you love are one of a kind.

I intend on using the money from Papageno’s sale, and from the money I make through the remainder of the year, to buy a boat in January/February in the UK, taking everything I have learned about boats to see me through safely this time. Maybe I should mention that it will be a narrowboat. The risk of me dying on a canal with no one to help me seems rather small in comparison to drifting out at sea.

We are selling Papageno with everything inside, her fixed masts and her dingy for 13,000 euros- open to offers.

This boat is a special boat. She was one of the first fiberglass boats built by Henri Amel. She is nearly fifty years old with a unique spirit and an incredible amount of potential. There is a rigger ready to get going on her in Martinique, the masts are getting fixed next week, and there’s a quote for $1700 to get her safety rail on portside completely replaced. If you’re good with electricity, and don’t mind doing a spot of fiberglass on the deck (or finding someone who will) Papageno is a brilliant opportunity to take her to the next level.

Because, she’s a good boat.

And she deserves a better Captain.

I share this with you because you are here on this journey. I share this because I’ve been so scared to speak about what has been going on. I’ve been terrified. Of what people will think, of what they will say, of me, of Edouard, about everything.

And that’s not how I want to make the decisions in my life that will make me happy.

I want to make these choices to follow my heart without being afraid.

And so, this is a message to you, to tell you that our journey has taken a swift kick sideways in a direction that we never anticipated. This is also a message to you to say that I hope you will still be a part of my family and follow me on this new and terrifying adventure of returning to England and taking everything I have learned from Papageno and getting a boat on the river.

I send you all of mine and Edouard’s love. And our thanks.

Leela and I are looking forward to our next adventure.

With you.

36 Replies to “Honesty Hour”

  1. Liz, there’s nothing to be ashamed of here. Life seldom goes as we expect, especially when we are taking risks and putting it all out on the internet for all to see and comment on. I look forward to following your journey. Bill

    1. It certainly hasn’t gone as expected, but I will try to keep my head up high. I really appreciate you continuing to follow my adventure. That means the world to me, thank you

      1. I hate to hear all this, Liz. But I Understand, Shit Happens, I guess. I don’t envy you the coming lonely and sleepless nights, Been There, Done THAT. STILL doing that, and hating every second of it. Wish you two the Best. Edouard may get out there and find HIS heart cries for you. And if his heart Gives The Order, He’ll MARCH. Right Back to you.

  2. YOU
    ARE
    BRAVE!
    My heart feels with you and I can SO understand why this was not easy to tell….
    Sending lots of love to France!! I am pretty sure everything will become good in the end and that your future adventures will be as awesome as they have been with papageno and delos. So – heads up! You are such a strong woman – really!
    And if you want to learn and make pottery – feel free to contact me! I would love to welcome you in my studio in Germany and to show you how to make pots and stuff!
    All the best for you!!!

  3. Where ever your journey takes you Lizbef, I wish you the very best. Life is so very short and fragile, we should all find and follow our passions and dreams!
    Pete No R onboard The Dirty Tug

  4. Hi Lizbef,
    The enormous spirt of optimism and fight you have shared with strangers about your personal journey on Delos and on this one with Edouard have been heartwarming and heartbreaking. It takes a great deal of courage to reveal your demons, dreams, struggles and tears. The successes are always easier to share. Thanks for taking me along as a virtual ‘sister’.
    Where you go, I will follow and cheer you on in love and in living the life you seek.

  5. At 63 yo I have reinvented myself a half a dozen times. It comes with the territory when you live your life true to your heart. And you my luv, are doing the right thing for you and damn anyone who says otherwise! Like I have said to you before, one foot in front of the other. Onward….with much love. CC

  6. Sending you much love from Canada. I follow you since I’ve see you in Delos, you were so fun and smart and crazy. Looking forward to seeing what life brings to your future. Be strong and remain inspiring! We love you.

  7. Hi Liz… I am so moved by this. Moved by your and Edouard’s hard work, adventures, and this current decision… and then so moved by your honesty and your forthrightness. You are such a creative woman, and I have to say I’m so excited by your words too as you speak of your creative outlets, current and future. I took up pottery three years ago and LOVE IT. It totally captivates me and you will be amazing at it. I love the idea of a narrow boat – that wonderful slow, soft speed, and the wonderful waterways of the UK you can explore. My heart breaks for what you are experiencing now… but so excited for your new adventures. I am one follower who won’t be going anywhere. I love following you. And I love your honesty. You have so much that you give. Thanks for taking us along on the journey.

  8. Dear Liz,
    Chin up and Head high! You’re a brave soul for following your heart and I think its awesome. You know, Sometimes a door has to close for another to open. Lots of luck for the future, I’ll be sure to “check “ on you periodically 😊. Thanks for your honesty 😘

  9. Hey, Liz! I can’t imagine how hard that must have been to write–how hard it must be to plan. If there’s one thing I have noticed in you, it’s that you are fierce and strong. It will be hard, but you will be fine. I look forward to following you back to England and to your new boat.

  10. My first impression on Papageno was that it was going to be a tough project. Nevertheless, Papageno represents in many ways what life is about. Life is about struggling to achieve one goals, it is about determination, desire, decisions, love and so much more. I feel like Papageno being so in bad shape as it was and probably is, makes for an interesting challenge that in my opinion requires two things: determination and money. The latter which you seem to have plenty and the former is the one you need to get thinking of. Maybe you should take a break to think and heal some wounds while you also brainstorm on how to get ahold of some money to pour into the Papageno project. The best tool you have is not your hands but your brain, let it come up with something. Also, I was think that Papageno could have an all girls crew which would make for an even more interesting journey. Just sharing my thoughts since it is the honest hour. Best wishes from Puerto Rico!

  11. Sorry that things haven’t gone as planned but they seldom do. You are a strong character and will adjust and set new dreams for yourself I am sure. I could feel something was not working out with your crew you just confirmed my suspensions. I think a canal boat would be a great project for you, I can see you like a gypsy floating through the English (or French) countryside showing England to us voyagers! I imagine there is a great community on the river that is hidden from the so called normal way of life of roaring down the roads. We were in England in June and loved seeing the locks and the crazy colourful boats on them. I am sure you could setup an artist studio on board and take other travelers on discovery trips of your England. I would love to join you. Good luck, I told you this would be the making of you, life is an evolution and you are doing well. Chin up, even as the tear fall. Kim

  12. If you are going to complete renovations on the boat, you may as well advertise for an experienced crew with ocean crossing experience and sail it back to the UK. That way you will not have to purchase another boat in a few months. Regardless, thank you for fun I have had following Edwardo’s and your self’s experiences in he Caribbean.

  13. You are an amazing kid that we’ve all go to watch on Delos and Papageno! You have an incredible spirit! God bless you young lady and all of look forward to following your journey!

  14. I’m really sorry to read this but think you’re incredibly brave. One for pouring your heart out and telling us all this. Two because you followed your heart and did it all in the first place!

    I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now but I’m routing for you for whichever path you end up taking.

    I think you’re an incredible artist and an excellent writer. I wish I was as creative as you!

    Give me a shout if you ever end up down in Falmouth, Cornwall! It would be great to share a drink (or a few!) with you 🙂

    Best wishes for your future. I look forward to seeing what you end up doing next 🙂

    Robyn

  15. Elizabeth, you’ll remember me as the one who sent you that picture of me falling into the pool whilst drinking a beer earlier this summer. Very few people know the deeply exciting and yet unnerving feeling that comes along with taking on such daunting adventures as you have. Most only dream about them and wonder if they could really do it, but the courageous actually get out there and do it, more afraid of NOT at least trying, and obviously unafraid of failing. I read somewhere that success is doing the right thing at the right time. Good on you for listening to your heart, keep going, I feel like I’m with you!

    -Pat (and Kate)

    PS canal boats are cool af

  16. You are an incredible human; brave, creative and wise. It may be difficult right now but long ago you set off on a better path than most. No matter what happens, you have tons more joy than if you were trudging to an office each day. I spent 6 years working on a boat that couldn’t be saved, then had a couple of summers sailing a boat that was too small to escape with. Today, I have a Westsail 32 about halfway back to launch. I’ve been so jealous of your Papageno project b/c you all were in the water and I was still on the hard. You’ve done so much — from Capetown to the Caribbean — to inspire me on my project; and certainly many others. The Universe will pay you back in spades for helping us. Good luck!

  17. You have a dream and think your love has the same and then all of a sudden you find out its not what he wants…. The world collapsed for me 25yrs ago. So I know very well how you feel. I also know, that the dream does not feel the same anymore with out him by your side. It hurts, it smashes you, no words just never ending tears… I went home as well to recover. And after a while one gets strong enough for new plans and ideas. Take it step by step, love ! And live….
    My story: I dreamt of a farm in Africa, now I have a boat 😉
    xoxoxo
    Anja

  18. You have a dream and think your love has the same and then all of a sudden you find out its not what he wants…. The world collapsed for me 25yrs ago. So I know very well how you feel. I also know, that the dream does not feel the same anymore with out him by your side. It hurts, it smashes you, no words just never ending tears… I went home as well to recover. And after a while one gets strong enough for new plans and ideas. Take it step by step, love ! And live….
    My story: I dreamt of a farm in Africa, now I have a boat 😉
    xoxoxo
    Anja

  19. A picture is worth a thousand words. Look at the body language of the two people in the picture at the start of this blog. What does it tell you about the relative truths of the relationship?

  20. Love you all. Life is an adventure that we can’t always see the path. You’re a strong woman and I know we will see more of you. Good luck! Sending all the love we can from here in Sault Ste. Marie Canada.

  21. Sorry to hear this but following your heart is the most important thing for both of you. You are very strong and extremely creative. I look forward to following your adventures regardless of where you go. I do think a canal boat sounds excellent! Love to you and Edouard. Best if luck!

  22. Now I feel like a heel for always making fun of Edwards man bun…your a very beautiful girl and you shouldn’t settle on nothing but the best! Keep on doing you!! I’ll keep on watching and supporting you wherever you go..thank you for letting us into your life..can’t wait to see what the future brings for you and us the fans of Liz…😘

  23. Ed was no Brain or Brady!! You were no Kazz! Papageno was no Delos!! I think honestly… the narrowboat is a total logic and great idea for you. Who ever suggested that to you probably saved your life. Do that, have guest on the boat that do all the things you talk about doing and make it fun. Good luck. I wish you the best.

  24. Oh Liz, I’m so sorry things haven’t worked out as planned. Life is like that, Similarly, my dream of sailing off into the Caribbean sunset also fell apart. You’re strong and young and beautiful and you have the world at your feet. Feed the adventure in you and do what makes your heart happy. There’s a quote I love…..’when life pull’s you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface and breathe again.’ Sending so much love xxx

  25. Lizbef, you are obviously very hurt right now, so this is probably not what you want to hear.

    But having watched your videos and followed your blogs since you left Delos, it seemed to me that this saga had trainwreck written all over it from an early stage, and that many of your choices were so mistaken that they could have been calculated to wreck the project and relationship. I watched your videos and blogs over the last year with a sad certainty that there could be no happy ending to this saga, and that Edouard would leave sooner rather than later. Sorry, but that’s what the saga shouted at me as I watched in mounting horror.

    You are young, and have much energy and time to learn from these mistakes. I hope that as time helps you heal the hurt, you can also do the painful work of confronting how your choices helped crush your dreams … and thereby avoid repeating these mistakes.

    Good luck.

  26. Be strong Elizabeth! Your birthdays ought to be at least 1 and 1/2 months apart. Bit too close maybe. A good man is out there for you!!! His birthday should be in Scorpio or sagitarious. You being a virgo. Virgo female and libra male not a match in my opinion.

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