With all of the current things that have been happening, I thought I would give an actual personal update.
I moved over to Australia in November. It was a scary move. Leaving everyone was a tough decision but I found that my days had become repetitive. And it’s not just that either. I wanted an adventure- a chance to actually create something amazing out of my life.
I kept thinking, “How can I create these whirlwind stories for my characters, and not have one for myself?”
So that’s how it started.
It’s been an adjustment being over here. I’ve met some pretty amazing people. It’s been interesting seeing how folk work over here, seeing their relationships with friends and family and watching the patterns in their behaviour.
I’d say I’ve gotten close to a couple of people and would call them real friends now.
I find it difficult to trust people. Especially with my emotions. It makes me feel vulnerable. I don’t enjoy letting down my guard and offering a part of myself to others partly because I don’t trust people with that part. It’s like offering someone a cup of water and watching them carelessly spill it until they eventually discard it all.
“It was only water.”
I’m trying my best to live by my beliefs and morals- remaining to be kind and understanding to people. I’ve met people who mean a great deal to me who are on their own internal journeys and I know that that’s something we all go through. It’s a transition.
I am feeling emotionally exhausted at the moment. There’s a lot to process and think about. My life is pointing in different directions and I suppose it’s difficult to know what to do, or who to even rely on.
I think that’s maybe it. Back at home in Nuneaton I had my friends to constantly back me up and support me. Here, of course I have my folks, but who wants to tell their parents about their worries? I think here I feel exposed. I feel like I’ve been turned inside out and I’m trying to keep the elements from harming me.
It’s difficult to know what to do. But that’s just it. Maybe it’s not the knowing of what to do. That’s never been my bag really. I think the biggest thing is waiting. Because when you don’t know what to do, you have to simply be. And that’s a process. You have to experience it. You have to be.
It’s ok to struggle and be sad. Life isn’t about being constantly happy and spending time on the beach. Sometimes it’s about hitting those lows so you can appreciate the highs. I’m so grateful for each day I am given on this earth.
I feel also what I am painfully aware of, in Australia, I feel very alone at times. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people, as I’ve stated before. But they have invested years of friendship within each other. They truly care about one another. I feel like a bystander at times. Someone not very important. Who would care about some random English girl who’s been here a couple of months? I let my guard down, and now I am desperately trying to build it back up.
I worked so hard this year to get back to normal. I worked so hard to create my own happiness and repair myself. I created a protection, a guard. And I liked it. It made me feel safe. But it’s been torn away and I feel like I’m grappling with the pieces again, trying to figure out which part goes where and find some protection for myself.
I’ve had difficulty in actually feeling or appreciating my own worth recently. Difficulty in actually feeling as though I would mean something to anyone over here. People’s lives wouldn’t be affected if I stepped away. I feel a bit disposable. Replaceable.
I am very aware that I am the one saying those words. But it is how I feel.
I know that currently it’s not a matter of doing anything that can change the way I feel. It’s literally about being. And waiting for the wave to finally hit. Because it’s coming, and I know that it will overwhelm me and I won’t be able to breathe.
But hey- look at me investing all of this time and emotional energy writing this. I just find it difficult to believe anyone has woken up this side of the world and thought about me.
I hate being negative around anyone. I hate being sad or angry around anyone. I don’t want to share those emotions- that vulnerability. I want to make people feel good and for them to not be affected by my internal struggle.
So what do I want?
I suppose to actually feel as though someone needs me. As though someone would actually go above and beyond to help me, or to even that they want to be in my company. To extend some energy and effort to make me happy. As though I actually mattered.
That’s what I need right now. It’s what I want. Back home, I was very lucky. The boyos knew if I felt down. We would watch films, laugh, have a drink or plan another adventure. This is how I felt supported. They invested time and energy in me and I did towards them. We supported each other because we had an appreciation and care for the other person’s wellbeing.
By God, they cared.
They made me feel worthy of their company. They made me feel worthy in general.
I do not feel worthy here.
And I have an intense sadness in my chest because I know that I have to wait this one out, because my path is not fixed yet. I am very aware that it will be ok. I am just accepting being human and not putting pressure on myself.
What I’ve learned on this journey of being a writer is honesty. We spill our thoughts and feelings onto paper- it’s our way of bleeding out the emotions. And I suppose it’s my way because I feel unable to talk to anyone about how I’m feeling. I can’t do it. So here it is, in black and white.
This is how I’m feeling.