So, a few days have passed since my last personal update. Have things changed? I suppose so. A sense of clarity and realisation came in.
I suppose I was holding onto a lot of things. Hope mainly. But I was hoping for the wrong thing. I realised my energy was misdirected. I could make myself feel amazing in a more constructive way.
I need to create my own happiness and get myself in a place where I am wholly content and confident in myself as a person. I don’t want to rely on anyone else to make me happy. I need to make my life amazing for myself. I have that ability- I have that control. I need to realise that.
I know who I am, I know what I can offer. I think it’s important to acknowledge your own self worth. We have so many knock backs that make us doubt ourselves- and I suppose that’s ok. They’re tests each time it happens. Obstacles to overcome.
We cannot add up our value to how others see us. Treat us.
We are treated badly throughout our lives by people, and that is just life. We are human and we error. I am sure that I have done the same in my lifetime. Holding onto grudges never helped anything. I can’t hold onto hate or anger. It’s like holding onto acid. I enjoy resolutions and peace. But I suppose the fire to keep thinking like that dies out after a while if it becomes too repetitive. To keep trying. It’s easy to be taken for granted. But I don’t want to stop living by my morals as a person.
I’ve realised that one of the most important things is to acknowledge you are worth that self investment.
And that is what I’m doing.
I thought to myself- why am I sitting here so sad? I have a degree. I have a loving family and friends. I am in Australia. I have wrote five fucking books for god’s sake. I am an author. An illustrator. I work hard to be there for others, many times at cost of my own emotional wellbeing to help them. I will always give the other person the bigger cut of cake. I will always make sure that you have the hot chocolate with the most foam. I will make sure that I play music you like in the car. I will make sure you are constantly fed and watered. I will pick you up at 3am if you need to fall apart or need a lift home. I will go out when I don’t want to, just because you need a wing man. I always make sure I have emergency snacks in my bag if you’re hungry when we’re out, and will listen if you ever need someone. I always make sure you have water by your bed if you need to pass out and will pull off your sweaty socks and tuck you in.
I am a good person.
Goddammit I am a good person.
And I apologise for sounding like I am blowing my own trumpet (totally not sorry) but it’s about time I realised that I deserve happiness and I am in control of that. It’s about time I appreciated my own worth.
Sometimes it’s ok being your own champion. Sometimes it’s ok to split yourself into two people and let the stronger side take care of the other- telling yourself that you’re awesome, that you’re pretty, your ass looks great and what you said last Friday was ridiculously funny.
I am working hard to realise that I have all of these attributes and they should not be measured by the lows of how others make me feel.
Those opinions do not matter. Those experiences do not matter.
The opinions and experiences that do matter are ones from people who are going to stay in your life, who know who you are and think about you with love. The ones who will sacrifice themselves for you, who will be there for you during those midnight phone calls, hold your hair back whilst being ill and will help and nurture you as you grow as a person.
The ones who know you are worth the effort.
Releasing The Contract of Maddox Black has been a huge milestone for me. It is my biggest novel, starting a saga that I cannot wait to release later on this year.
I need to acknowledge that it is a big deal. It is a big deal. I wrote a bloody book and have released it into the world. And it’s ok to celebrate.
So that’s what I’ll be doing.
I’ll be in Perth, Western Australia this Friday celebrating if anyone wants to join! Join and celebrate our conjoined epic-ness.
And if anyone on here ever wants or needs to talk about anything, or just needs a friend, please feel free to reach out.
Did I ever tell you that you’re awesome?
I somehow found my way here through my love of watching Delos and have really been quite taken by your voice. I find myself in a very similar situation in life – success that doesn’t feel quite right, self-boredom, wanting more and knowing it’s out there and I think all of that naturally promotes self doubt, not just about yourself but also your immediate and ultimate journey. I greatly look forward to reading more.
Hey Tim! Thank you so much for your very kind words. It’s been incredible being here and I’m so thankful I made that leap. Really, Tim- the choice that scares you the most is the one you should take because it’s the one that will make you grow the most. Life is one big adventure whatever we do so just enjoy walking your path. I know you’ll get there. Really looking forward to bringing you the next chapter!
Hi Liz,
Like Tim, I stumbled upon your blog through Delos. This post really spoke to me. In fact it was a bit like reading a page out of my own journal. Crazy. a) Congrats on the book release. That is a HUGE accomplishment. b) I am super excited for your big adventure on Delos. I’m sure it will be a life-changer. I am also about to take a year off to sail the Caribbean. Perhaps our paths will cross at some point!
All the best and happy sailing 🙂
Mel
Hey Mel! Haha, thanks! I’m so happy to be here- I pinch myself every morning! We’re leaving tomorrow at 9am and I am so excited! I’m looking forward to bringing you new updates from our adventures and I hope our paths cross one day! 🙂
Fuck mate, this nearly made me cry. I can be quite self absorbed from time to time and think I am alone in this mental battle against ourselves. Thinking no one else would understand, I often keep it to myself for fear of judgement. The constant state of being in your own mind. The nightmares. The fear and anxiety. The sleepless nights due to fearing your own mind at “rest.”
Accomplishing far more than I ever imagined, with a trajectory on course for making my dreams come true – I find myself sad. Perhaps it’s a learned state, an automatic thought. Or maybe it’s because I am not quite there yet. Your feelings resonate with the situations I find myself in and I thank you for being brave enough to share that. If you ever want to empathize over this situation don’t hesitate to reach out.