I feel anxious, excited and exhausted. Like too many waves have crashed over me. I feel worn, tired and out of breath. The feeling comes and goes and I think of the future. I think of my opportunities. I think of all the possibilities that lie before me and the people that matter.
For a long time it’s been the people in my life who have helped me through this journey I’ve been on for the past seven months.
But now I feel as though I’ve got to walk it alone for a while. I’ve grown a lot as the seasons have gone past. At the start I didn’t even know who I was. I was still gathering the pieces of myself together, trying to figure out which bit fit where.
I’m hopeful for the future. I know I’m a dreamer but I’ve never been underwhelmed by life. I’ve always been grateful and optimistic- I know what there is to be had out there. I know it is all within my potential to achieve my goals if I want it enough. Anything is possible.
As the days have gone by, my thought process has been building into two different directions with to completely different outcomes. It’s been difficult and I’ve tormented myself about it. I’ve been trying to make solid foundations out of sand, and now I’ve got the opportunity to make something more solid, I’m afraid that the dream isn’t real. I’m so close. It’s like reaching out to grasp at fog, hoping that land is on the other side. There’s so much out there and I’m afraid that everything is going to fall around me in pieces. It’s taken me a long time to come to this realisation. And now I’ve actually picked myself up to face this challenge, I am so fearful that none of it will come off.
I’m determined to find a way.
I’ve been painting images in my head of what could be and of what has already been. I’ve been imagining conversations, situations and destinations. I’ve been reminiscing and calculating all of the life lessons that have come to this point.
It’s been a journey all right. It’s been a hell of a journey.
But I’m here now, ready to take the next step.
My dad used to always say, “It never rains with you, does it, Elizabeth? It always pours.” It seems as though as soon as one storm calms and I’ve survived, I’m off to face yet another challenge, preparing to jump another hurdle.
I see a lot of people my age who have always known what they wanted- they’ve achieved it. They have the house, the marriage, the children. I had thought that was what I wanted but the idea got waylaid a couple of times. I’ve always been brought up expecting that that was the way my life was supposed to go, that it would eventually lead to some tidy conclusion and I would be safe and content.
But sometimes things don’t pan out and you find your family elsewhere. You have to discover contentment in yourself. Sometimes your children become the hangovers you nurse and the marriage is the promise you keep with yourself that you will never do it again-until you separate momentarily for your fling with the sexy Captain Morgan.
And there’s nothing wrong with that- not only because Captain Morgan is damn fine, but it’s all about enjoying life and quit putting the pressure on yourself to reach that conclusion. Enjoy it for what it is.
The thing is- it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. And yes, my journey at times has felt like Frodo trying to destroy Sauron at times, pursued by Orcs and stung by a big ass spider- but as long as I don’t lose a finger at the end, I’m sure it’ll be worth it.
I’m ready for it.
