I feel as though I’ve accomplished so much in the past four years. It has taken me a long while to actually view my self-worth. I’ve been so used to putting myself at the bottom of the pile that I haven’t known how to deal with putting myself first.
I’ve been forced to do that over the past few months and it’s been liberating.
I have never been so busy in my days. I have never planned so many excursions in my life. I am exhausted and so excited for the future. There is a whole new world of possibilities that are before me, and I’m glad I can finally see that.
Sometimes I catch myself off guard. My mind will drift and wander. I’ll think of times somewhere else. I’ll remember sensations, conversations and feelings. It pulls me down sometimes, but not as much as it did before.
It took me a while to acknowledge that it’s ok to have these feelings. It’s ok to think about the past. We’re human at the end of the day. If we don’t cut ourselves a break, who is?
My friends have been very dear to me over the past few months. We’ve been having a bit of a crazy time and I feel more alive than I’ve been in a long while. I take risks now.
And for a while I was surprising myself with the things I’ve said or done, but it’s just because I’m getting to know myself again. I’m relearning a lot of things that I thought I already knew. I’ve made mistakes, which I thought I had learned from a long time ago. But it’s just a crash course back into this life I suppose. Learning to trust some and distrust others.
And things have been good. I’ve been good. I’ve felt positive and excited. I feel steady and on course. I’m visiting so many places this year and I know there’s going to be so many more fresh experiences. I was afraid the other week of discontent, but as each day passes, I get a little bit closer to my goal. I’ve started to create a life for myself that I can be happy with. They say we are in control of our own happiness and I’ve been trying to do that. No- not trying- I’ve been accomplishing that.
It’s been a long and rocky road, but after the scrapes, bumps and bruises, I think I’ve got a hang of it now.
